The 6 Most Degrading James Bond Moments

If you've been following this blog for any length of time, then you know I'm a huge Bond fan. But I'll be the first to admit, there've been a lot of low points in this franchise. Whether he's battling evil SPECTRE assassins or seducing your wife, Bond's supposed to be smooth, sophisticated, and unflappable - the ultimate alpha male. But there've been plenty of times when Bond didn't quite measure up to his image. Here are six of Bond's most lame, embarrassing, and undignified moments.

6. "NO WELL-DRESSED MAN SHOULD BE WITHOUT ONE" (THUNDERBALL, 1965).

This picture is from the original poster for Thunderball, and it's just the sort of thing you'd expect to see in a Bond movie from the Sean Connery era. It's quintessential '60's Bond cool.

And here's how the same scene looked on film.

So what went wrong? Well, for one thing, the actual jetpack looked like it was made with dishwasher parts and tin foil. But the real problem was that dopey crash helmet. They originally planned to film the stunt without one - you know, the way the real 007 would've done it - but when the time came, the stuntman refused. Fair enough. But couldn't they have come up with something more action hero-ish? Something with a visor or a face plate, maybe?

I wish I could tell you that was the only time Connery tarnished his demigod credentials by donning questionable head gear. During his tenure as 007, he went night swimming with a dead bird strapped to his head in Goldfinger, flew over Japan with a camera mounted on his forehead in You Only Live Twice, and wore a spectacularly bad hairpiece in Diamonds Are Forever.

5. 007 SWIPES SOME PORN (ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE, 1969).

So here's the story. While searching the bad guy's office for some dirt on SPECTRE, Bond spotted a copy of Playboy lying around. And, like every red-blooded hetero male, he decided to have a look. All fine and good. But when he left, he tore the centerfold out and took it with him.

So what's wrong with that? He's James Bond, that's what! He can have any woman, anytime, anywhere. What does he need with a porn stash? Look, I'm just going to come out and say it, alright? James Bond does not need wanking material! When Bond's asleep in his bed at night, there should be a satisfied woman lying next to him, not a wadded-up kleenex and a bottle of hand lotion on his nightstand!

4. MEET THE NEW 007 (GOLDENEYE, 1995).

Our first look at Sean Connery as 007, in Dr. No, is one of the most iconic intros in film history. Really, other than Orson Welles' first appearance in The Third Man, I can't think of one that even comes close.

As other actors took over the role of 007, the producers tried to introduce them to audiences in memorable ways that would establish their Bond-worthiness right from the start. So when we got our first look at Daniel Craig in Casino Royale two years ago, he was waiting in the shadows to kill a man in cold blood. And so it was with the other Bond actors: George Lazenby saved a woman from drowning, Timothy Dalton was scaling a mountain, Roger Moore was in bed with a hot chick ... you get the idea. But here's how the producers chose to introduce us to Pierce Brosnan in Goldeneye.

Things started off well enough, with Bond bungee jumping off a dam and breaking into a Russian military installation. He was always seen from a distance, or from behind, or in the shadows, so we didn't get a good look at his face until he'd crawled through a ventilation shaft and emerged from the ceiling ... over a bathroom stall. And that's how audiences were introduced to Pierce Brosnan as the new 007 - hanging upside down over a toilet. Oh, and did I mention the stall was occupied?

All that was missing was a quip about forgetting to wipe. Now that would've been classy!

3. THE MOON BUGGY CHASE (DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, 1971).

Sean Connery is widely considered the best Bond actor, so people just take it for granted that his movies are all exercises in nonstop badassery. But in actuality, the Connery films had plenty of lame, groan-inducing moments. Like this one.

Trying to escape from a research lab run by some Howard Hughes-style industrialist, Bond stumbled onto a sound stage during a reenactment (or faking?) of a lunar landing. Fortunately, the moon buggy prop worked just fine - and was powerful enough to drive straight through a wall. So Bond hopped in and took it for a spin.

There'd always been a lot of tongue-in-cheek humor in the Bond films, but Diamonds Are Forever was the first time the series veered into pure slapstick. And it wouldn't be the last time, either - Roger Moore was still in the franchise's future!

2. THE PIGEON DOUBLE TAKE (MOONRAKER, 1979).

Moonraker was really just a remake of The Spy Who Loved Me, but all the things that worked so perfectly the first time just fell flat when they were tried a second time. Case in point: in Spy, 007 drove his submersible Lotus Esprit up onto a beach in Sardinia, to the amazement of the tourists. Not a great Bond moment, but mildly amusing.

They tried the same gag again in Moonraker, only with a motorized gondola. After a high-speed chase through the canals of Venice that was sorry enough all by itself, Bond's gondola turned into a hovercraft, then floated out of the water and through St. Mark's Square, to the amazement of the tourists.

And then, just to emphasize how uproariously funny everyone should be finding this, the producers had a pigeon do a double take.

The only thing that would make this scene less amusing is a guy in a clown suit poking me in the ribs with a stick and yelling, "Hey! This is the funny part! You're supposed to laugh now!"

No, now that I think about it, that would be sort of amusing. Not funny enough to make a pigeon do a double take, but worth a chuckle. And speaking of guys in clown suits...

1. SEND IN THE CLOWN (OCTOPUSSY, 1983).

James Bond's not really a spy in the traditional sense. He doesn't spend long hours conducting surveillance or debriefing informants, and he almost never works undercover. He prefers to walk right up to the bad guys and introduce himself.

When Bond has gone undercover, it's generally been played for laughs, like when he tried to pass himself off as a meek bookworm in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, or when he unconvincingly disguised himself as a Japanese fisherman in You Only Live Twice (though, in the latter case, it's hard to tell whether the laughs were intentional or not). But there was nothing funny about this.

Racing to defuse a bomb at a military base, and pursued by local police, Bond had two options. He could (A) try to explain himself to the base officials, or (B) disguise himself as a clown with a visiting circus and then try to explain himself to the base officials. Would Plan "A" have worked better? Maybe, but then we would've missed out on some great physical "comedy"!

During the Roger Moore era, the Bond series took a decidedly comic turn. If making Bond a comedian was pissing on Ian Fleming's grave, then dressing Bond up like a clown was a urological Hurricane Katrina.

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The next Bond movie, Quantum of Solace, opens in just over two weeks. Between now and then, I'll be wrapping up my series on Bond villains. So be here Wednesday for the next installment!

UPDATE: You can now read my review of Quantum of Solace, my response to those who say it wasn't a "real" Bond movie, and my thoughts on the future of the Bond franchise.